Nautical Humour

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Ad in local newspaper personal columns:- "Single young lady seeks older boat owning gentleman. Send picture of boat."


Man invented the slowest form of transportation - the sailboat - then decided to race them.


Making the best of a bad situation

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, "You just put, 'Gordon died.' "

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Gordon died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Gordon. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. You really should say something more."

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK then, you put 'Gordon died. Sailboat for sale.' "


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in January, 1998.

**** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 30-1-98****

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is the lighthouse. Your call.


Definitions:

  • BOAT - Break Out Another Thousand.
  • Yacht - A hole in the water into which you throw money.

You're Not Alone Sailor.

"Why such long face John?" asked the other seaman.

"I don't know," said John "maybe It's just that we have been at sea for so long and I'm so depressed I can't seem to do anything right. Most of the time I feel so alone and useless!"

Smiling and nodding in an understanding way, the other seaman said, "John, I don't know if this helps but let me assure you; you are not alone. Most of us on the ship feel your useless too."


You Nautical Romantic You!

"Dear Heart, I had a great dream last night about you."

"Oh? What was I doing?" She asked with a little giggle.

"You were buying me a new boat."

"How Nice." was her cool response, "Tonight, why don't you dream up a way to pay for your new boat?"


But Things Have Changed Lord!

God, deciding that the Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark, and to again save two of every living thing. "You have six months before I send the great flood." God said.

Six months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one plank on the boat's hull.

"Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?"

"There have been some construction delays Lord. First I was told I needed a building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there. I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until just yesterday!"

Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon.

"I'm calling you back." God said.

"Aren't you going to destroy the world Lord?" Noah asked.

"What's the point?" God said, "It looks like someone beat me to it!"


Nautical Lingo 1

An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going downstairs. "Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is starboard, that's aft and that's portside. If I ever hear you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you through that little round window over there!"


Nautical Lingo 2

The Steamboat Captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living. All the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job he asked the pilot to let him take the helm.

"Okay", said the pilot , "but you must pass a small test first, If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to Port", said the boy.

"Correct", said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"

"Starboard", said boy grinning from ear to ear.

"Good for you", said the pilot.

"And straight?" asked the pilot.

The boy quickly replied, "Without ice."


Whatever You Say Sir!

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. The Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and shouted out, "Good Evening, Sir!"

The Captain returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".

The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded "Yes Sir!"

Then the Captain, pointing at the dog and said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Seaman glanced at the dog and said "Yes Sir!"

The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Seaman simply said, "Good trade Sir!"


sailor was marooned on a deserted island for 20 years.

He was finally rescued by a merchant marine ship. As the sailor was packing his meagre belongings, the captain of the ship asked, "I noticed you have built four huts. You are the only person on the island. What are they for?"

"Well", said the sailor, "this one is my residence, the second is my church and that third is my micro brewery where I make coconut beer."

"That's very interesting", said the captain, "but, what about the fourth hut?"

"Oh", said the sailor, "That's the church I belonged to before I started drinking Coconut Beer."


Pool for My Baby

The rich tycoon bought a luxury yacht for his only daughter upon her graduation.

It was large and even had its own onboard pool. The tycoon dad brought the daughter aboard for the first time for a tour of the boat. The last thing to see was the pool.

All around the pool were shirtless ship construction workers finishing up some painting.

The daughter clasped her hands and screeched, "Oh, Daddy! It's a wonderful pool and you've even stocked it for me!"





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