Railway Humour

Like most people, we all like a good laugh. Welcome to the humour page.

Contributions by email are welcome.

Q:  Why is the track gauge 4' 8½" wide?

A:  Because it is the distance between the neck and ankles of a damsel in distress.

Q:  What do model railways and women's breasts have in common?

A:  Both were intended for kids, but it's the dads who play with them.

passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees the guard walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the guard.

Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same guard walking by again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

An Indian Railway Station

An Englishman was travelling to a small Indian country town. Alighting from the train, he saw that the town was some considerable distance from the station, so he took a taxi.

Talking with the taxi driver :-

Passenger: "It must be rather inconvenient to have the station so very far from the town."

The driver, respectfully, apologetically, yet confidently: "Oh Sahib, we had thought that it would be better to build it beside the railway line."

Aman who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

A boxcar full of copies of Roget's Thesaurus was torn open during a derailment outside of town.

The local newspaper reports that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."

Q:  What was wrong with the train set the naughty boy received for Christmas?

A:  Forty feet of track - all straight!

Q:  What do you give a trainman for Christmas?

A:  Platform shoes!

Q:  How do you know so much about model railroads?

A:  Well, it did take a lot of training.


Atinplate collector, a rail historian and a model railroader had a drink at a convention and began discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The historian said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The collector said he enjoyed time away with his mistress, because of her passion and mystery.

The modeller said: "I like both."


Modeller: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go down to the club and have some real fun."

There once was a young Irishman who was looking desperately for a wife. He had heard that Spanish women were the most beautiful women in the world, so he hopped a steamer to Spain.

Upon his arrival, he met one of the locals who was not fond of the Irish, and he asked him where these women he'd heard about were.

So, the Spanish man told him, "They live in caves in the mountains! They chant a strange cry of Whoooooooooo.... Whoooooooo! If you answer them, they will take you as one of theirs!"

The Irishman thanked him and went up to the caves, where he chanted,"Whooooooooooo..... Whoooooooooo."

In the cave he heard, "Whooooooooooooooooo..... Whooooooooooooooooooo"

Then the Irishman got run over by a train.

Old Age

  • "OLD" is when ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
  • "OLD" is when ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
  • "OLD" is when ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
  • "OLD" is when ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • "OLD" is when ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • "OLD" is when ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
  • "OLD" is when ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today.
  • "OLD" is when ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Contributions to this page are welcome.